My Diary #1

by Author

Dear 22-year-old Me,

Hi…Kumusta? Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo? Depressed ka pa rin ba? Do you still feel anxious? Do you still cry every night? Do you still space out every morning thinking how disappointed your life is?

I’m so tired of proving myself. I’m so tired of feeling so pressured. I’m so tired of feeling so helpless. I’m so tired of thinking that I’m a failure.

I thought nasa right path ako, I’m sure of it not until someone told me “sayang” ang pinag-aralan ko kasi “ganito lang ang work ko (homebased writer)”… not until someone told me, “ang boring ng buhay ko kasi wala akong social life”… not until someone told me “i might stay alone forever” kasi mas pinili kong manatili sa comfort zone ko.

Is it wrong to do the things that makes me feel so safe and at peace?

Hindi ko maintindihan, why do I suffer a lot just to prove that I am worth it, that my life is worth it.

I’m so tired of comparing myself to my friends. I’m so tired of seeing myself like this. I’m so tired of feeling rejected.

If not because of my mom and my dad, as well as my lola, and two of my friends, who told me.. “walang sayang”, “para kang sira, bakit ka naistress”, “grabe, ganyan din sa akin..pressured (you’re not alone)”… Siguro nasa mental hospital na ako, siguro nasa rehab center na ako.

Why do I need to feel this way? I don’t understand. I can still feel depression and anxiety but atlis ngayon, medyo kontrolado ko na unlike before…

I still remember how I always fall asleep while crying…while begging God to stop my anxiety and depression. 

I can still remember my mantra…”matatapos din ito”, “di ako kinakabahan, ayokong kabahan”, “please, ayoko na. ang sakit na talaga Lord.”

How I wish I can still be happy. I miss my happiness, yung “bahala na basta ito ang gusto ko kasi buhay ko ‘to. I’ll make my own history.”

I miss my old self. Please be happy again.

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