MODERNONG ISIP BATA

My Diary #2

Dear 22-year-old me,

Today is Sunday, April 9. Nagbasa ka na naman ng inspirational quotes sa Twitter pati na rin ang libro ni Bianca Gonzales na “Panano Ba ‘To?”. Just like your old self, you’re still finding ways on how to cope up with your depression. You’re still finding reasons and explanations kung bakit ka natatakot sa pagbabago.

Alam ko gusto mo mag-excel, mag-inspire ng ibang tao pero ito ka, ikaw mismo di mo kayang harapin ang fears mo.

Bakit nga ba?
Bakit ka nga ba natatakot?
Sa totoo lang, until now, kahit ako ay ikaw, di ko din maintindihan kung bakit ka natatakot. Ang weird, di ba? At ang weird din na kinakausap ko ang sarili ko ngayon… Hahaha.

Someday…
Someday makikita ko rin ang sarili ko na ginagawa ang mga bagay kinakatakutan ko, yung mga bagay na akala ko at akala nila di ko magagawa.
Someday…

Bakit nga ba?

Bakit ba ako takot?
Bakit ba ako natatakot?

Stop

Stop comparing your life to others.

Stop bullying yourself just because you still can’t see your success unlike your pals who are too busy posting their lives online.

Stop lying to yourself. Be honest and talk to someone. Get help if you need it.

Stop thinking you’re a failure.

Stop whatever negative thoughts you’re thinking right now.

Stop saying you’re alone. Why? Because He is always with us every step we make.

Stop regretting.

Stop.
Just stop and be happy.
No matter what happens, you are still you.
You don’t need to be someone else just to show to everyone that you are worth it.

You are already worth it even before you were born.

My Diary #1

Dear 22-year-old Me,

Hi…Kumusta? Kumusta ang pakiramdam mo? Depressed ka pa rin ba? Do you still feel anxious? Do you still cry every night? Do you still space out every morning thinking how disappointed your life is?

I’m so tired of proving myself. I’m so tired of feeling so pressured. I’m so tired of feeling so helpless. I’m so tired of thinking that I’m a failure.

I thought nasa right path ako, I’m sure of it not until someone told me “sayang” ang pinag-aralan ko kasi “ganito lang ang work ko (homebased writer)”… not until someone told me, “ang boring ng buhay ko kasi wala akong social life”… not until someone told me “i might stay alone forever” kasi mas pinili kong manatili sa comfort zone ko.

Is it wrong to do the things that makes me feel so safe and at peace?

Hindi ko maintindihan, why do I suffer a lot just to prove that I am worth it, that my life is worth it.

I’m so tired of comparing myself to my friends. I’m so tired of seeing myself like this. I’m so tired of feeling rejected.

If not because of my mom and my dad, as well as my lola, and two of my friends, who told me.. “walang sayang”, “para kang sira, bakit ka naistress”, “grabe, ganyan din sa akin..pressured (you’re not alone)”… Siguro nasa mental hospital na ako, siguro nasa rehab center na ako.

Why do I need to feel this way? I don’t understand. I can still feel depression and anxiety but atlis ngayon, medyo kontrolado ko na unlike before…

I still remember how I always fall asleep while crying…while begging God to stop my anxiety and depression. 

I can still remember my mantra…”matatapos din ito”, “di ako kinakabahan, ayokong kabahan”, “please, ayoko na. ang sakit na talaga Lord.”

How I wish I can still be happy. I miss my happiness, yung “bahala na basta ito ang gusto ko kasi buhay ko ‘to. I’ll make my own history.”

I miss my old self. Please be happy again.

Maybe…

Maybe you’re not alone.
Maybe you’re just too busy of thinking that you are alone that you tend to forget that there are still people who truly cares for you.

Maybe… I’m not alone.

First Love

Matt…
He’s my first love….

“Oh? ‘Nasan na si groom?”

“Nasa harap na ng altar, si bride na lang.”

Sabi nila, once you fall in love with your bestfriend, there’s no turning back.
Sabi ko, ‘Ok lang, mahal ko talaga e.’

“Are you ready?”
Tanong nila. Napangiti ako.

“Ito na ang bride, give way. Let’s start na.”

You are my bestfriend and my first love.
The first time I saw you, nasa ilalim ka ng isang puno at nagbabasa ng isang romance novel. Natawa ako, and awkwardly whispered, “romance novel talaga?” pero narinig mo ako tapos ngumiti ka and you said, “Hi.”

Unlike other boys, ikaw, mas gusto mong magbasa. Inaasar kita, “nerd ka. ang hilig mong magbasa kaya wala kang girlfriend”, but at the back of my mind, ang talagang gusto kong sabihin…”Nerd ka pero gusto kita. Sana ako na lang ang maging girlfriend mo.”

We laugh together.
Eat together.
Cry together.
It was just so perfect. 

 

One day, I found myself staring at you. I smiled and told myself, “I really like this guy.”
Funnily, you caught me. Lumingon ka, ngumiti and then you said…
“Ang ganda…” 

Since then…

“Chocolates for you, Sally…” iaabot mo ang tsokolate tapos ngingiti…

“Flowers for you, Sally…” nakangiti ka habang nakatayo sa harap at sinserong nakatingin…

Then, one day…

“I love you, Sally…” nakaluhod ka at may hawak na singsing…

 

“Oh? ‘Nasan na si groom?”

“Nasa harap na ng altar, si bride na lang.”

“Are you ready?”
Tanong nila. Napangiti ako.

“Ito na ang bride, give way. Let’s start na.”
Napatingin ako…

 sa kanya…

kay Sally.
There she is, wearing her white gown and ready to say “I do” with Matt.

 

Hindi pala para sa akin ang sinabi mo noon na…
“Ang ganda… Ano kayang pangalan niya?” 

Yung chocolates na araw-araw mong binibili kahit wala ka nang baon.
“Chocolates for you…” iaabot mo ang tsokolate tapos ngingiti ka sa kanya.

Yung flowers na kahit allergic ka, binibili mo pa rin.
“Flowers for you…” nakangiti ka habang nakatayo sa harap at sinserong nakatingin sa kanya.

P ati ang “I love you” na matagal ko na ring gustong marinig mula sayo…
“I love you, ” nakaluhod ka at may hawak na singsing para sa kanya.

Hindi pala para sa akin…

Lahat ng pagmamahal sa mata mo, ngiti, tawa, kwento… hindi ako ang laman ng mga iyon kundi siya.

 

“Kristy,” napalingon ako…si Matt.
Ningitian niya ako and then he mouthed, “Thank you” before looking back at his soon-to-be wife, Sally.

 

Matt…
He’s my first love. He will always be my first love…but he will never be my forever.

Please

Save me.

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Love Life

love life means LOVE YOUR LIFE.